Memories
by Phanael
Summary: Not as sad as the title says! Sirius is with Remus when he goes back to Hogwarts, but he is a broken man. Remus tries to comfort him. Rating for safety. Please RR. SxR


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_The Dementors were close to him, they drowned his happy thoughts and he was left crying. Bitter tears found their way towards his neck, flowing over his face like silver rivers. Shivering Sirius lay on the floor of his small cell, whimpering like a small child. He felt so lost and so utterly alone he couldn't stand it. He clawed at his clothes and tore them apart. More tears ran down his face when bad memories hunted him. He wants to escape but they wouldn't let him, drowning him in bitterness._

_It was dark in his cell. For how many years hadn't he seen daylight now? He didn't know and he didn't care. All he wanted was to be happy again. A sob escaped his lips, when a Dementor came near his cell and when he passed his door Sirius gave a strangled cry of pain. His heart ached. Had he ever been happy in his life? At school, with his friends? He missed them so much, but Lily and James were already dead. Killed by their friend Peter. Sirius screamed at the grey walls of his cell. Traitor. Peter hat betrayed them all. And now he sat in this cell, wishing for Remus by his side. But Remus would hate him. this mere thought brought a lump to his stomach and he collapsed again in another fit of crying. The thought that Remus would hate him broke his heart. He loved his friend so much, he wanted to see him again, tell him everything. He wanted Remus to know that he wasn't the traitor. That he hadn't betrayed his friends and that he hadn't betrayed his best friends._

_He sobbed hard, imaging how it would be if he would be free, if James and Lily had never died: He would be with his friends, laughing and happy. He would see Harry grow up. After school he was free for only one year before they had came for him and arrested him. How Sirius had wished for a normal life. But now he was here in this darkness, alone with no one to cling to when he felt so heartbroken and lost. Peter had stolen his life from him in one instant, but after all it was his fault: he had been James' secret keeper and if he hadn't changed position with Peter…_

_It was his fault that his beloved friends were dead. It was his fault that Harry grew up without his parents. And James and Lily had been so proud of their son, they loved him so much. When Sirius had seen Lily with Harry for the first time he knew that this child would be happy. But he had been so wrong. He had been wronged by Peter. Sirius had trusted him with James' life…_

_Sirius wanted to tell Remus that he wasn't the traitor. He missed his friend so much, he wanted him back. he wanted to talk to him again, laugh with him in front of the fire in the Gryffindor Tower. But these times won't come back. Sirius Black had no right to be happy again. Criminal. Killer. Traitor. That was what Moony would think of him and here he was, alone, unable to do anything about it. And Remus would feel so miserable, he would be so angry, Sirius knew. He, too, had loved James, Lily and Peter._

_Angrily Sirius slammed a fist against the ground. It hurt when he felt his dry skin break and the blood flowed from the new cut. But it made him feel so alive in this darkness. This darkness he would never leave again. The rest of his life he would lie in this cell, hoping to die soon, but still sane because he knew he was no criminal. Peter was, not him! Peter should suffer this! Crying Sirius closed his eyes, but the faces of his friends hunted him. Lily and James begging for mercy, when Voldemort came for them. And worst of all: Remus face, his eyes dark and cold with hatred. "Traitor!"._

_His young life would end in this cell. He was alone. Innocent but caught. And there was nothing he could do about it._

_The Dementor came back to his cell, his faceless hood looking through a whole in the door. Sirius couldn't do anything against it. The screams of the Muggles dying, in the street killed by Peter, the image of James and Lily dying, Remus, angry and full of hate, filled his head and he lost consciousness._

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With a small cry Sirius awoke from his dream and realized he was really crying hard. He felt like suffocating. Shivering he sat up on the sofa in Remus' small room at Hogwarts. Yes. He was here with his friend, Remus was a teacher again after Dumbledore had died. McGonnagall had insisted that Remus would come, even if everyone knew he was a werewolf. Sirius smiled. That didn't matter anymore, Remus was such a good teacher. He had seen him in class in his canine form. He was the dog at the heels of Professor Lupin. He had begged Remus to take him with him for he couldn't stand the thought of being alone at Grimmauld Place and the Portrait of his mother yelling and screaming at him.

Slowly reality came back to him. He wasn't in Azkaban any longer. He was with his friend. With Remus. Slowly the tears stopped flowing but still he shivered like hell, this dream had been so real. Nothing he ever had experienced in life was as bad as the darkness and hopelessness in Azkaban. Even the few weeks behind the veil were nothing compared to the wizard prison. Behind the veil had been simply darkness, nothing, he hadn't even been conscious, he hadn't realized what was happening. But Azkaban was like living in hell. Every day he had been crying like a helpless child and there had been nothing he could've done about it. Another tear escaped his closed eyes and ran down his face to join the others, running down his neck towards his chest.

Sirius tried to stay quiet, tried so suppress the sobs and looked over to the bed, where Moony slept. Sometimes, when he had dreamed of Azkaban, he had thought he had heard the gentle voice of Remus, calming him in his sleep. But he didn't want to believe it. Did he often cry in his sleep?

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Remus had awoken from a strangled cry. Sirius. He was so happy that the man was back from Azkaban, that it had been a mistake, but it made him sad, when he heart the cries and sobs. Sometimes Padfoot seemed to have bad dreams, dreams about his time in Azkaban and often Moony woke up to his crying. Now that they both lived at Hogwarts for he was a teacher again, they slept in the same room, but Remus thought it wasn't close enough. He wanted to comfort Sirius and keep the bad dreams from him.

Sometimes, when he heard Sirius crying in his sleep he walked over towards the sofa and knelt down in front of it, taking Sirius' hand in his, stroking his hair, while whispering sweet words of reassurance to him. Sirius would calm down and the rest of the night he would sleep like nothing had happened. In the morning he never knew that Remus had been by his side, comforting him.

Tonight Sirius was awake, Remus heard him rustle on the sofa and it broke his heart that he couldn't go over and soothe him back to sleep. Sirius hated when he was weak while others could see him and he wouldn't like Remus to be with him now. Or would he? Remus heard the silent noise of naked footsteps on the ground slowly padding towards him. Soon his mattress lowered and he felt Sirius' hands caress his hair.

"I… I can't stand to be alone.", his hoarse voice whispered. "Moony…" Remus heard him sob a few times, before he felt Sirius' weight shift on the mattress and a warm body was lying next to him. "Forgive me, Moony. I'll leave before dawn." Cautiously, Sirius slid closer to him and pressed up against Remus' back, sliding his arms around him in such a gentle manner that Remus wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry. Without hesitation Remus grabbed one of the hands that rested on his flat stomach in a firm grip. Sirius started. Remus was awake! What had he done?

"You don't have to leave before dawn, Sirius.", he told him and stopped him from getting up again.

"I didn't mean to wake you up, Remus, sorry.", Sirius murmured, feeling guilty. But he was happy that Moony didn't make him go away. He needed him now, his only friend left, the only living being in this world he could trust with all his heart and his life.

"It's okay, Pads. Wake me up whenever you please.", the brown haired man answered before turning around in Sirius' arms and hugging him gently. Sirius buried his head at Remus chest and neck. New tears escaped him, he couldn't help but crying again. He was so sad. He was broken and he knew. Remus drew soothing circles on his back, his warm hands making Sirius feel better. Soon he was exhausted from crying and fell asleep, Remus still caressing his back.

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It was like their ritual, whenever Sirius woke up from a bad dream, sometimes crying, sometimes shocked he walked over to Remus who drew back the covers to make place for Sirius.

This night it was also like this. Sirius woke up, a shocked expression on his face, his eyes wide and a cry falling from his lips before he could stop it. Shivering he got up and walked over to Remus. The man inched to one side of his bed and Sirius lied down next to him, burying his head at Remus' chest.

"Was it a bad dream?", he asked and played with Sirius' soft hair.

"No. But I'm afraid they will grow worse when I'm not with you. You keep the bad dreams from me.", Sirius whispered. Remus' scent filled his nostrils and he inhaled deeply, this scent more soothing than anything. Peppermint and chocolate and so much of Remus. Unconsciously he let his hand wander up Remus' chest, leaning forward and kissing the scarred skin. It tasted like heaven, he wanted more of it and his hands grew more urgent, gently stroking Remus' tanned chest, memorizing the scars beneath his fingertips. He heard a sigh from Moony's lips and looked up at him. What had he done? This was his friend. This was a man.

But when he looked into Remus' handsome face he realized the man had closed his eyes, smiling and breathing faster. Boldly Sirius let his hands roam over his chest, his stomach, then leaned forward and let his breath caress Remus' face. The man shivered beneath his touches and opened his lips in expectance of a kiss. And Sirius kissed him.

At first his lips gently covered Remus' wicked red lips, playing with them, sucking his bottom lip between his own, licking it and marvelling in the small sounds of pleasure that escaped the brown haired man. He parted his lips, begging entrance and when he got it explored the cavity that lay beyond. Moony moaned, when Sirius' talented tongue stroked him and made love to his mouth.

It felt so good, so normal to do this. Sirius loved Remus. He loved him with all his heart but only now was he able to tell him, to show him.

When he broke the kiss, Remus caught his lips for another, his hands playing with his hair and stroking his smooth skin. Silently he begged for more and Sirius would give him, whatever he wanted. Not a word was spoken, when they got rid of their clothes, discovered new skin, memorized it and felt it beneath their fingers. Without a word, Moony lay back into the pillows, closing his eyes, while Sirius kissed his whole body, his hands caressing his sides. It felt like he would heal the scars, like he could make them go away. For the first time in years Remus felt wanted and loved. He arched his body into Sirius' touches, begging for more.

A low moan escaped his lips, when Sirius gave him what he wanted and he was more than willing when the man covered his body with his own, preparing him for what was about to come next. Sirius felt so good, so right. Remus loved those kisses, loved how Sirius touched him and how it felt to have him in him. They clung to each other all the time, never saying a word. Remus shivered and arched his body into Sirius, seeking even more contact. He needed him. he needed him so badly, his body yearning for Sirius. Panting hard he entwined his fingers in his hair and pulled him towards him for deep kisses, passionate kisses.

"I love you!", he whispered, his voice hushed with desire.

Instantly Sirius came, those words sending him over the edge, Moony as well. Breathing hard, he looked up into Remus' beautiful eyes, brushing some strands from his forehead.

"I love you, too, my beautiful, my handsome Moony.", he whispered and rested his head on his chest.

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:-:-:-: I may repeat myself: I can't kill him! You can't kill Sirius Black with drapery:-:-:-:-:

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